Stealthing, or non-consensual condom removal, is the practice of removing a condom during sexual intercourse without consent.
This practice, which can occur during heterosexual as well as homosexual relations, can have many consequences, both physical and psychological.
Physical consequences:
- Risk of contracting sexually transmitted and blood-borne infections (STBBIs)
- Risk of unwanted pregnancy
Remedies for STBBIs or unwanted pregnancy, such as prevention, treatment or abortion, are completely legitimate, but it is important to remember that they are also physically difficult.
Psychological consequences:
- Feelings of shame and guilt
- Feelings of betrayal and anger
- Confusion
- Stress and anxiety
- Loss of confidence in one’s partner and oneself
- State of shock
Stealthing occurs in the context of a consensual sexual relationship,
which is why it can be distressing for the victim.
You may feel confused. And surprised, as it was unexpected. It may be difficult to define and understand what just happened. You might also feel (unjustly) responsible, since you originally consented to the sexual relationship. It is important to remember, however, that what you agreed to was a protected sexual relationship.
You are not responsible if your partner decides to change the criteria of the sexual relationship without asking for your consent.
Going back to the definition of consent is a good point of reference for realizing that you are absolutely not responsible for what happened.
What consent should be ➜
Why stealthing does not respect consent:
Ongoing and present for all aspects of the sexual relationship ➜
You should be able to change your mind during the course of the sexual relationship if you so choose. If you had known that your partner was going to remove the condom, you could have interrupted the sexual relationship.
Freely given ➜
By ensuring that their action goes unnoticed, the person involves you in a lie and takes away your freedom to choose the conditions of the sexual relationship.
Clear, informed agreement ➜
You did not know that your partner was going to remove the condom during sex. The act of removing it was stealthy and concealed. The change was not clear and you were not informed.
Stealthing is also part of a broader form of violence: reproduction coercion. This occurs when one person interferes with or directs another’s reproductive and contraceptive choices through manipulation and/or violence.
If you have been a victim of stealthing, what can you do?
Being a victim of stealthing may have many consequences and leave you feeling extremely upset. You have the right to ask for and receive help.
Talking to someone you trust, such as a close friend, family member or counsellor may help you to name what happened. Putting your experience into words is the first step to recovery.
Contacting a resource like the Sexual Violence Helpline can help you vent, name what happened and validate your emotions. We can work with you to find solutions adapted to your needs and identify specialized resources in your region. We can also provide you with ad hoc support through your recovery process and legal proceedings, if necessary.
If you prefer, you can also go to a Designated centre providing medico-social services for sexual assault, where a counsellor will welcome you. Based on your needs, your concerns and what happened, you may undergo STBBI screening tests and benefit from emergency procedures, such as the morning-after pill or post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP). You have the right to have support throughout this process.
If you are considering reporting the incident to the police, certain types of forensic evidence can be taken in a designated centre up to five days after the assault. According to the Supreme Court of Canada, stealthing can be considered to be sexual assault (see: R. v. Kirkpatrick). There are many resources that provide support for victims in dealing with the legal/judicial system.
Don’t stay alone with your questions and feelings.
We are here for you.
